


Heartbeat

by ofreverentia



Series: Lost & Found [2]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Character Death, Emotional Hurt, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Moving On, Old Age, Past Character Death, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-08
Updated: 2019-07-08
Packaged: 2020-06-24 14:48:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19725826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ofreverentia/pseuds/ofreverentia
Summary: The first two months went by quite quickly Javier had to admit and in fair peace as well. He had spent most of his days at their base aside from a few occasions where they went to the nearby city. Yuzuru and him found their rhythm again too, keeping in touch with each other as much as possible. Yuzuru sent a daily report about the things that happened, making Javier laugh each time he could read them, catching up.ORIGINAL ENDING TO "LOST&FOUND" - PLEASE READ THE TAGS!!!





	Heartbeat

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I know it has been a long time for this one (almost 6 months) but more and more I have considered to actually write the original ending. It is not a happy one, if you can’t stomach it, please don’t read. I will be locking this one for my own sanity. “Some” beta reading took place here compared to the originally posted chapters; also please note that a lot of it got copied from before as only the ending is different.  
> Lost & Found – Chapter 15 is where I pick up this story again.

\----

The first two months went by quite quickly Javier had to admit and in fair peace as well. He had spent most of his days at their base aside from a few occasions where they went to the nearby city. Yuzuru and him found their rhythm again too, keeping in touch with each other as much as possible. Yuzuru sent a daily report about the things that happened, making Javier laugh each time he could read them, catching up. On a few instances, pictures attached or a short video showing Yuzuru and Effie curled up on the couch or the bed. Apparently, Effie now slept on Javiers side of the bed, as both of them missed him too much to sleep alone at night in their respective places. It warmed his heart to know there was someone there for Yuzuru since he couldn’t be.

Javier hummed happily, as he made his way towards his possibly favorite tent in the whole base, his weekly assigned 15-minute video chat would be soon and he couldn’t wait to talk to Yuzuru. Sitting down by the computer once it was free he logged into his account and called his boyfriend via Skype. It didn’t take two rings before the screen flickered alive and a bundle of fur appeared on screen.

“Oh... Effie... get out of the way... I know you miss Javi too but he can’t see us if you put your chubby booty in front of the camera.” Yuzuru whined and the pictures wobbled causing Javier to laugh for a good minute. The younger managed to get Effie off the laptop and into his lap, flashing a bright smile to the camera. “Javi...” His tone turned much softer and Javier bit his lip. Since he couldn’t see Yuzuru that often he made sure to appreciate these short minutes they get to spend together even if at least ten people were around him in the tent.

“Hey you two... Effie is causing trouble again?” Yuzuru rolled his eyes, glaring down at the cat for a second but also patted her head. 

“Just the usual. When I said we will be talking to you she jumped on the laptop and blocked the screen...” Effie let out a displeased meow at the accusation but otherwise her eyes were on the screen. She turned her head to rub it against Yuzurus knee. Javier watched them feeling happy.

“I miss her too and you... Two months are over and today I learned it is a six months tour only, so it is not much longer until I am back home.” Yuzurus eyes brightened and he clapped his hands in that adorable way of his.

“That is great...everything is okay right?” His tone changed, laced with worry but Javier nodded.

“Yes, all is good. I am spending most of my time at the base. Only annoyance is that Sergei snores really badly if he is tired and he is tired all the time.” Yuzuru snorted at that. 

“Oh poor you... you can’t sleep well because of him?” Javier pursed his lips.

“He is not you after all. I prefer your little adorable snores.”

“Hey! I do not snore!” Yuzuru whined and Javier burst out laughing.

“You do on some nights. But it’s cute.” Silence fell over them; both lost in their memories of nights spend together. Javier broke it in the end.

“I love you and I can’t wait to go back home to cuddle with you.” Effie let out a loud complain again. “Fine, with you two.” Yuzuru chuckled, rubbing her belly the conversation turning to less emotional things, quickly catching up about the center and what Yuzuru has been up to. When their time was up, Javier blew them a kiss receiving one in return with the cutest ‘bye-bye’ he ever heard from his boyfriend. With a much better mood, he returned to the tent, ready for the day.

It was then when he heard the first bomb hit the base.

\----

Javier heard the distinctive sound first, followed by the ground shaking so hard under him he fell down on his knees. Instinct kicked in, adrenaline heightening all his senses and with a quick glance, he sprinted towards his tent to grab his gear. He met Sergei on the way, nodding towards each other him going out with purpose written all over his face. The second bomb hot the ground as he grabbed his gun and stormed out. The camp was a chaos, smoke rising from the two locations the bomb have hit, tents burning, people shouting both in aim to get orders out or to call for others. Javier ran towards those he could pull away from immediate danger such as the fire, saving people from further damage than cuts from shards.

People searched for cover but there was no place to go in the middle of a desert only having frail tents to cover them from wind and weather. None of those could really hold bombs. The sound of people shouting and crying in pain mixed with the detonation left and right was deafening. Javier felt lust but the adrenaline was making his heart drum in his own ear much louder blocking out the wailing. Everything happened in slow motion, Javier locking eyes with Sergei, opening his mouth to speak but then he saw a bomb dropping from the sky, hitting ground way too close to his friend. The explosion made him fly backwards knocking the air out of his lungs, the smell of burnt flesh hitting his nose, the noise turning into a high-pitched sound. Javier groaned rolling on his side, feeling disoriented for a few minutes. As he looked over at where Sergei should have been, he only saw his helmet and a crater. He felt his stomach turn and he tasted acid in his mouth, quickly turning the other way. Collecting himself before the panic took over; Javier pushed himself up from the ground. Somehow, in the middle of the chaos, which felt like it intensified with each bomb, he found himself near the communication tent. He pulled someone out from under a broken shelf, making sure the person was alive and able to walk. He didn't get to straighten up from the crouching position, getting knocked down again, a familiar but at the same time foreign sting to his temple and side. Javier hit the ground soundlessly and everything turned black.

\----

Yuzuru spent his days with a happy attitude the last talk with Javier definitely lifted his otherwise solemn mood. It wasn't easy to lead a long distance relationship with someone in a warzone. Each day he wondered if bad news would come but he quickly learned to block those out. It's been about two weeks he heard from his boyfriend but it wasn't unusual, he kept blaming the eerie feeling in his stomach to the usual nervousness. There were instances when Javier was in such a remote location not even an e-mail was possible. Yuzuru made sure Effie got her breakfast and grabbed his bag ready to make his way to the center, only to get interrupted by a knock on the front door. Confused he looked at the clock on the wall reading - 6:30am.

“That's weird…” He mumbled under his breath, making his way towards the front door with a frown on his face. Opening the door, he froze instantly, heart dropping into his stomach. In front of his door stood two soldiers dressed in formal attire looking solemn.

“Mr. Hanyu?” Yuzuru managed to nod, his voice not coming out or he did not trust it. He knew what was coming; he has seen too many movies in his life not to know. People, family members receiving the one news none of them every wanted to hear. “We are very regretful to inform you that the base where Javier Fernández was stationed got attacked about two weeks ago. Unfortunately, we lost him in action.” Yuzuru felt the world tilt in its axis and he collapsed hand releasing the doorknob he had been clinging onto. The soldiers glanced at each other, one of them crunching down. He could tell they hated to do this, it was hurting them too but everything felt numb. “He put you as his emergency contact on his papers before leaving and as there are no other living family… “ Yuzuru nodded, understanding. “We are very sorry; he was a great soldier and a great person. I had the pleasure to be thought by him at the base.” He felt a soft squeeze to his shoulder and he managed a pained smile. The soldier pulled out a small box and handed it over to him. Yuzuru opened it and saw the tags Javier put on before leaving their shared apartment. The tears started to flow and a desperate cry of pain escaped his lips.

Yuzuru doesn't remember what happened the hours following after but he somehow must have managed to let the soldiers go, call Brian to inform him he wasn't going to work for a while; drag himself back to bed and lay there. Effie joined him sensing his distress, trying to comfort and Yuzuru cried harder than ever. His mind kept replaying their moments together, the last conversation they had how happy they were since Javier would return in a while but he wasn't going to now. There was no more returning home. He would never feel those strong arms wrapping around him, his beautiful smile, doe eyes and soft kisses. Yuzuru won't be waking up to Javier secretly watching him, admiring even if on some nights he slept with one creepy eye open. Javier found it adorable and always kissed the pout off his lips.

The days went by in similar fashion, friends from the center came by and tried to help Yuzuru through it but nothing worked. It was as if he was submerged in water, the world a haze around him, nothing seemed to be real. He was a mess and didn't know how he could continue on with his life like this. The whole apartment was filled with traces of Javier, it was his place after all. From the small stain on the wall in the kitchen when he made their spaghetti sauce explode to the chip on a tile in the bathroom after being a bit too reckless under the shower. Everything reminded him of Javier and he didn't know what to do.

Yuzuru didn't sleep much, barely ate even if Jason definitely tried to get him to eat at least once a day. He pushed everyone away, asking to be left alone. His mind playing tricks on him once in a while, thinking he heard the front door opening and Javier returning. A ghost of a touch to his skin knocking the air out of his lungs. It felt painful. Yuzuru wanted it to stop.

Laying on the bed one day he found himself drifting between sleep and being awake when he heard the sound of the door. He dismissed it as Jason coming by but then he heard a voice.

“Yuzu?” He jumped up from the bed and stormed out of the bedroom staring into the surprised eyes of Javier.

“Habi?” He asked in a broken voice sprinting towards his boyfriend hoping it wasn't some kind of trick of his sleep deprived mind but when his body collided with that of his boyfriend it felt so real. A solid body, strong arms keeping them upright and tightening around his fragile form. “Is this real? Are you here? Are you really alive? Please… I missed you, so much. Please… don't let this be a dream.” Tears started to stream down his face, ugly sobs bubbling up to the surface. The gentle hand on his cheek felt warm, the lips pressing against his forehead were soft and the strong body wrapping around him protectively felt so real.

“I am here babe. I am here. It's me.” Yuzuru looked at the handsome face of his boyfriend and the world turned black.

\----

When Yuzuru opened his eyes, he wasn’t in his own bedroom, or his apartment. The white walls and the sound of a heartrate monitor beeping away telling him that he laid now in a hospital bed. Slowly he turned his head to have a look at his surroundings. Countless of tubes were connected to his body and he felt the oxygen mask around his nose. His limbs felt heavy and just the tiniest movement made his world swim. Yuzuru closed his eyes again, giving up to move for now until he felt at least less nauseated. He doesn’t know how much time had passed when he heard the sound of the sliding door and footsteps. Forcing his eyes open, he met the gentle but concerned face of Brian.

“I see you are finally awake… How are you feeling Yuzuru?” Brian sat down on the chair next to his bed and Yuzuru felt tears gathering in his eyes.

“It was a dream, wasn’t it? That he returned?” The grim expression was enough for him to inhale sharply and close his eyes again, face turning away towards the window in his room. “It felt so real…” He spoke after several minutes. Brian didn’t speak at first, nor did he try to touch him which Yuzuru certainly appreciated. He could still feel the way his arms felt before he passed out.

“Do you want to tell me about it?” Yuzuru reached up to pull his oxygen mask away so he could actually talk better. It took him a few more minutes before he started to tell Brian.

“I woke up to the sound of the front door and I was ready to ignore it thinking it was just Jason coming to feed Effie and try to get me to eat too. Then I heard **_his_** voice, the way **_he_** used to call my name. With that small lisp… In the beginning I always teased him about it because it wasn’t the way my name should be spoken but over time I loved his way so much more…” Yuzuru paused for a second, swallowing the lump in his throat. “I hurried to the door and there he stood and when I rushed forward to hug him, it felt so real…so real. His warm body enveloping me in a strong embrace and him saying my name. I begged whatever power to make it real, he reassured me that it was real until everything turned dark…I don’t remember anything else. I woke up here with all these tubes and…I wish that monitor would stop beeping, accusing me with the proof of how I am alive and **_he_** isn’t.” Yuzuru kept his gaze towards the window, watching as a flock of birds passed. He didn’t realize it was high summer. Time kept passing and he seemed to stand still in the moment he lost him. He wished it all to end and release him from the pain. Brian cleared his throat to get his attention.

“Jason found you passed out by your door when he did go to check on you. He called an ambulance because you weren’t waking up and your breathing was too shallow. That was two weeks ago…” He added slowly and Yuzuru snapped his head in his direction.

“Two weeks? I have been laying here…for two weeks?” Brian nodded, reaffirming it.

“When they took you in the doctors had to do a lot, your body was giving up. You lost a lot of weight and they say it was a close call…” Yuzuru closed his eyes, feeling guilty for doing this to himself but he also wished they didn’t take him to the hospital. “I know what you are thinking Yuzu… you wished the doctors didn’t save you because it would mean you do not have to suffer anymore but do you think **_he_** would wish for the same?” Yuzuru whimpered at that because he knew he wouldn’t want him to be in this state or even think about ending his own suffering. “ ** _Javier_** wouldn’t want you to throw away your life so carelessly. You know him, he always wanted to save whoever he could…What do you think would he say to you now?” It was the first time Brian or anyone said his name in front of Yuzuru and it hurt, his hand reached up to rub against his chest where the pain ignited again.

“I miss him so much…” Yuzuru admitted aloud, tears trickling down his cheeks.

“I know you do but do you think he would be happy to see you in this state? You have to think what you want to do. Javier is not coming back… But it’s your decision what kind of life you want to lead from here on.” Brian gently squeezed his hand before he left, leaving Yuzuru with his thoughts and emotions. For the next days, he stayed in bed and some of the tubes remained though the oxygen mask wasn’t needed anymore. Slowly but surely he started to move, taking short walks in the garden of the hospital. The pain was still there but Brian was right. Javier wouldn’t want him to wither away in their apartment or a hospital bed. The two always wanted to help others and with his current state, he couldn’t do that.

He stayed in the hospital for about a month before he was allowed to return home with regular check-ups. Returning to the apartment hurt too but now he saw it in a different light. He had regular visits from Brian or Tracy and spoke to them about his emotions as well, working through them. Baby steps he told himself.

\----

Yuzuru visited his grave for the first time a year after his departure. He never found the power in himself to go but a lot of time, healing and thinking took place since then. It was a beautiful day as he walked through the graveyard, finally finding the one grave he was looking for. He held a single rose in his hand, which he placed on the stone. Yuzuru traced the letters spelling out the name of the love of his life. Tears slowly ran down his cheeks again, they never really stopped but he had better control over them. Kneeling down he let out a shaky breath.

“Hey…Habi…” He spoke softly. “It’s been a while…” Yuzuru sighed looking up at the sky to gather power to speak. “I am sorry for not coming sooner to visit you but…it hasn’t been easy without you. When they came to tell me that you weren’t coming home anymore, I felt my world crumbling down and I let myself be destroyed as a result of it. It took me a long time and the insistent help of our friends, to do something about it. I know you wouldn’t have been happy to see me in the state I was either. I won’t lie to you because I never did before… I wanted to end it all. I wanted to join you. The pain of not having you in my life anymore overwhelmed me and I wished it would all end. I know now that it was a selfish thought because I would make everyone around us go through the pain all over again.” Yuzuru smiled at his past lover’s name, fingers touching the stone again. “I am doing better now. I am back to work helping soldiers but this time not just the physical. I am studying to assist also mentally. Brian and Tracy have been so kind and giving me support all along. In a week, I have my first exam and I am nervous but also excited about it. Effie is doing well too, she had a hard time too but we are helping each other. We still live there; I didn’t have the heart to leave our home.” Yuzuru brushed a few tears away. “I wish you were here, I do it every day but now I know I have to continue living, to make you proud to give back to those who need help. You thought me how helping others, protecting them was important and I do not want to betray that. One day though I am going to join you up there. I will throw myself in your arms and taste your lips again.” His lips trembled and he transferred a small kiss with his finger from his lips to the gravestone. “I will see you again. Maybe not as soon as I wished before but the time will come. I hope you can wait for me. I love you Habi, I love you forever.” Yuzuru stood up, looking up at the sky. “I will see you again and there will be so much to tell you about. I promise I will live, maybe not love again because for me there is only you but I will work hard and live a good life.”

With a lingering gaze, he smiles and just then a small breeze moved across the graveyard and he could swear he heard his voice carried along it.

“ _I will wait for you, forever_.” Yuzuru closed his eyes, fingers pressing against his heart.

\----

Some people do not believe in afterlife but Yuzuru did believe in a place to exist where he would meet his loved ones again and when it was his time to cross to the other side he welcomed it. He lived a long life, helped many but when it came to loving someone other than Javier, he couldn’t do it. Now at his prime age as he slowly passes over into the light he sees a bright smile that could put the sun to shame. A warm hand reaches for his and he takes it without hesitation.

“Yusu…” Yuzuru steps closer and throws his arms around Javier’s shoulders.

“I missed you.” He whispers letting the light envelope them both. “I missed you too.”

An aged Yuzuru lays in a bed, with a final happy smile on his face as his heartbeat stops. Finally re-united with the love of his life.


End file.
